Broken dreams (20)
For Sgrumie it was not to be got so easily on the row what had happened now, actually: was this famous man really interested in them (what she held rather for unlikely) or was it rather such a balance for what he had lost in Marianne? Of that female person who regrets from Sgrumie on the one hand, on the other hand, was admired. Apparently chilly Marianne planned her death, deceived her partner in strange way from pure pride. But Marianne had also been that woman whom Ralph had to have loved till the end, although she just did not have blond hair and did not hang every few minutes on his lips as she had known it of other friends. For Sgrumie Ralph once had not been an object of her desire, she analysed everything what he did, was surprised at his coarse mistakes and then decided to look at this as male, but: to itself to put the man as a partner before that she had not created yet.
Halting she did not invite him on her floor, of course not in her sanctum, in the room which she had brought to something in mess. As carefully as they he behaved when he accepted, tried not to stare at them. Under her aerial clothes he could recognise very well her very strong figure, this also unnerved him. Since up to now his companions were as strong anything but had been as he, rather narrowly and elegantly, but not crudely. Also Sgrumies striking face looked not very female, she smiled when it perceived one of his side glances and said almost apologetic:
„It is absolutely aware to me that I do not correspond to her ideal picture of a nice woman. I have spent years to enjoy my new health, but just in my kind, every gramme of fat has despised in me and wanted to look rather manly as too much female.“
„I have, actually, no ideal picture of a woman, every woman is considerable in her kind, nice, charming as one wants. Or as one is ready to take them internally true. No notion whether I correspond to her ideal picture of a man if they have then one, but why we address as 'Sie' ourselves, actually? From sense of shame? Should we not be too old for it a little?“
With the ideal picture of the other gender which there could hardly be in the reality served both anyhow only as an entrance in other conversation. They wanted to try to get to know so much as possible from the other person, because in sex took care neither Sgrumie nor Ralph to think, Sgrumie not because she had not divided the bed long any more with a man. And Ralph felt after the death of Marianne to and fro sly, wanted to decide nothing at all alone in this regard, thus he was still depressed. When was it then again the right time for him? Sgrumie anticipated his reasons, but he could not anticipate theirs. She laughed, because she only remembered too well what she had written frivolously about him once and now it seemed to her right to clarify: „With saying 'du' had slided to me so out, Artist is often said 'du', without they are asked whether they also want this, has never experienced, in any case that one asked you before a conversation around permission. Nevertheless, you know, actually, nothing about me and what I know about you, is only superficial junk. Though my imagination has properly interpreted a lot, but just not everything. And I am sorry if I should have injured you with some sentences if you can forgive for it then.“ He nodded a little bit absently to be to become demanded deferentially, he had placed on it since some time no more increased value, Sgrumie addressed as 'Sie' him and this had surprised him. „Your desperation must have been very big,“ the woman continued warily. “I did not know Marianne also closer, but I if it had found exciting to be allowed to experience your common luck with child. It is clear to me that you can enter so fast no new connection and wants and if you may, I offer to you first of all my friendship. Whether this is possible and makes sense, I do not know, but it would help me in dealing with you, with you to all three ones, even if we could work during the next days, finally.“
Ralph had belonged to her very carefully and regretted, actually, again that she wanted to avoid him apparently, because she drew him in peculiar kind. Sgrumie was as big as he, was seemingly as strong as he and her endeavours to do something sensible, met his intention very much. Blue eyes, her hair almost black and her hands as slender as hard. If she spoke, he did not hear a lot of insecurity out. He decided to meet a little bit more her than they to him, even if he committed with it maybe a mistake, because she could feel put under pressure.
„Friendship sounds very well, but if I take a woman like you in my arms as I have done this just now, then also, because I very exactly listened to you, not only what you said, but also how you have said it. Never am sure, now not and it was also not of course former whether I am loved by all, am revered and the other just, the whole nonsense what one agrees thus with. If I was persuaded of myself in such a way as you accept it, I would be probably too haughty. I do not change my opinion also so fast. Maybe you remember a special sentence which I said sometimes before very long time and I am sure almost that you have also noticed to you some of my most insignificant sentences like which, to me yet mean what. I said, one has to do himself never feel too certainly and I meant this not only concerning my work, even if it seemed thus. But I think also privately complacent security is a gigantic mistake, a mistake which one can never extinguish or?“
Sgrumie dealt to take everything in itself on, because his voice still owned that peculiar sound, not singing, but amusing, so that she would have nearly said: ”Speak further, all the same what it is.” Priests in a long spread epoch had to have been being convincing, but he still spoke quietly, so that she tried not to digress ideally. Ordinarily she loved just the loud voice of a man. However, Ralph had preferred to talk quietly to grope the way laboriously near, finally, Sgrumie was no toys, but one the peculiar woman who started to interest him very much he wanted to try "to lift" so long his grief over Marianne at least, until he was sure to himself in that what he wanted now whom he wanted. Sgrumie was worth it that he took care of them, not only because she was a woman, but because she connected so much. However, can grief be lifted for later time?
Sgrumie had said for his concepts probably a little bit too long nothing, this irritated him and, therefore, he asked: ”Do I tyre you maybe?” “No, of course not, ”she looked convulsively according to the right words. “I have only never thought with the writing about you about whether one should call you complacent or not, you worked quite certainly with all what you have done up to now. And I mine quite certainly because I often discovered something in your face what I held for not possible: too much Feeling, almost inappropriate for - calls sometimes the example of the duke - the role of a landlord nevertheless convinced of itself who makes happy different women and cares a mud about how he injures his wife with it. First I believed, it would lie in the light of the camera, but when the expression appeared more than once, I was persuaded: this is also the too sensitive man behind the role of the aristocrat, I have looked away quite affected because I did not want to see you thus: injured, affected, unhappily, if these are the right expressions for it.” She avoided looking at him, because: yes, it was her real opinion about him, but which man hears already with pleasure that one perceives him as too sensitive?
His face had become red beyond all measure, he felt how something came up in him what he not only could not describe, but what he also did not know thus: a feeling touches embarrassingly of being. Why it had to be a woman, him in After the event just in such a way saw as he did not want to see himself: vulnerable, too sensitive, maybe timidly behind the mask of a man who wanted to prefer him a lot: privately also sometimes more cheerfully than seriously, officially just not that who could sometimes give other unsafe colleague fear by his reserve or his exactness. To the exact who prepared more and more fun for him let other people in itself doubt as good one would still have to become to be able to compete against him. But this is why it had never gone for him, he wanted to do only his work always in such a way that one could have a look at them.
“Have I displeased you so in this role?” “I did not want to say this. The duke should look thick-skinned, you said, this was also about wide distances thus the case. But the strange shine in the eyes, how deep sadness as if, nevertheless, he loved his woman and this love would become stronger, the longer the film lasted. One felt you very clearly behind the work, maybe this should not be, however, thus, right?” “One had never appealed to me to the shine and I accept, it was fine rather the light of the camera to which one must expose himself that this strange impression originated with you.” Sgrumie smiled in strange manner, nevertheless, she felt that it had discovered a side in him which she did not want to discover so early at all. “I think, we should not talk incessantly about my past, how do you come to the name or the synonym Sgrumie? A nevertheless rather inappropriate name for a woman like you.” She did not decide to take this “how you” too personally. “Of course I did not come with the name Sgrumie to the world 43 years ago. My real name was too long to me and too dull and Sgrumie originated more by mistake and by a write error which somebody had made. Because I found him more amusing than Marie-Catherine-Isabel Montradur I would prefer it if I am for you either Sgrumie or Catherine.” Your surname reminded him of an ancient Spanish nobility gender, but he did not come further on it.
When they had the long way to that room behind themselves and he saw this space, nevertheless, surprised him: The wall hangings on which the life of the Egyptian superclass was illustrated, thus really that the people seemed to come up to one, marble ground, thus chilly, but pleasantly, mirror whose edge got by without golden shine, her wide bed rather simply as bombastic. And to take up more in himself, seemed to him inappropriate. She asked him in the joining sitting room where now the modern age played a role: practical office pieces of furniture, a computer, television, but a music arrangement from any other time. “My taste just.” He heard nearly one excuse out and suppressed a cheerful smile, he wanted to take seriously them in such a way, as well as she took seriously him. A couch which seemed to him strangely enough famously invited them to the seat. She recognised on his face an expression which it felt as very pleasant: a little bit to see confidant to him, fulfilled him with secret joy, even if it seemed to him strangely to find just this piece of furniture here before. “Of course only one simulation of the original, the real piece one will have camped down somewhere else.” She hid from him for understandable reasons, why it wanted to have the couch once under all circumstances: to the inspiration. She lay down on it if she corrected sides, closed the eyes over and over again to position itself before as he had lain, troubles maybe a little bit too tiredly or only to do a favour to the cameraman or the camerawoman. When he wanted to look at Sgrumie, it looked rather uncertainly aside. Now, nevertheless, this was too silly to him and he said: “Tomorrow this will hardly help to work us, if the feeling has, you feel near me neither probably nor certainly.” “A man has never entered these rooms and now, nevertheless, it is embarrassing for me that you sit on this couch like before infinitely long time on the original.” Nevertheless, she looked at him now, he reached for her hand, did not know whether he should ask them or not, it felt well for them that he just did not ask.
“The couch makes me rather tiredly as them a happy impression with me leaves and: I am possibly exhausted a little bit after the experiences of the last days.” Now Sgrumies look was so open as he had wished him, she laid warily her hands to his cheeks and kissed him just as carefully as they had begun the conversation.
Of course everything was not clarified with it still long, but the next morning found them both lying side by side in her so immense bed. They had got by without great intimacy, Sgrumie had neither asked him nor seemed it to her in the right time after which he had lost his partner. And: even if he was a man whom one has too with pleasure very close beside himself, would boldness not push off him? And Sgrumie wanted to make, on this occasion, no mistake. Ralph? No, she would not have deterred him, but he felt her restraint, nevertheless, as doing good, also anticipated that she had to have similar reasons if she did not dedicate herself to him just, not yet? Could he imagine generally that this woman - just Brunhilde or Brynhild resembled rather than a top model - wanted to dedicate itself a man completely or was able? At the moment was his conviction: no. And to let "thaw them, nevertheless, in his arms, with the love which he wanted to admit - even if he would love certainly Marianne in the heart furthermore for it it was still too early.
He just woke when he heard like Sgrumie hold back the breakfast on the room ordered. Of course, one was at her hotel, this was practical, maybe a track too practically. However, it was also, as if Sgrumie was known what to him had come before days in the lift for peculiar sensations: uncanny, frightening, he had doubted almost his mind. What Ralph could not anticipate now again: Sgrumie could read thought and also them Presence of Mariannes soul disturbed them not at all, nevertheless, it had stepped itself of the more often by hypnosis with the other world in connection. She smiled when in her brain his thoughts came: no, she anticipated only, why it would not be probably difficult for him to dine here with her. She wanted to keep away him in the next time from the lifts which he entered alone. Mariannes the soul which might do somewhere her dreadful state of affairs would want to approach him alone rather as if other people were round him.
“And Madleine and RF?” “Nevertheless, I accept, the both suppose rather that we have a hot night of love behind ourselves, as that what has really happened: virtually a little and with RF you mean Richard Frankenfeld? Why one gave to himself the pleasure and called him RF, I also do not aim to miss for considerable, you?” Your cheerful kind let him comfortably answer: ”Quite astonishingly as you have taken care, everybody three from us or four - (the "four ones" came more quietly to take again depressed) - under the magnifying glass, me, unfortunately, particularly. Yes, I became my Richard at whom one as my other I might have looked with pleasure what he did not want to be, however. You will be right. They do not wait for us, also eat if to them seems good. I thank you, by the way, for your thoughtfulness.” The word Thoughtfulness did not come out to him so laxly, but this was fine it what she wanted to do: him treat considerately.
Sgrumie looked at him mockingly. “Does a man need like you a sort of thoughtfulness? I am only no audacious person who would like to entice the poor person who still mourns too much. Faith not that I have no fine hearing and feel. The hearing what one does not pronounce though, but it would like to finish speaking - thus one pick out between that what you give from yourself what you say nevertheless differently and what you rather do not want to say - and of course feel what to itself simply does not send.” Ralph wanted really generally no thoughtfulness.
Hours later Madleine, Ralph, RF and Sgrumie stood before the wall of fog. “I have discovered this wall when I undertook my first bigger walk here. If we find out now in the world, I ask You: does not surprise You too much, something will be surprised, frighten, but there is absolutely nothing of which one should be afraid.”
The wall of fog swallowed the people and dismissed them in a sombre world which began in the water as she had also ended on the other side. When they had left the steaming waters they stood on the duplicate what had come up to them also in the real world: that little piece of ground on which one had found Marianne, more badly still: if one more exactly looked, one recognised impression of her body. And, unfortunately, Ralph looked too exactly because it surprised him deeply how exactly here everything as looked as before the misty wall. Madleine saw him staggering easily and seized him in the arm. “It is nothing, give you no troubles.” Sgrumie looked to RF over, that also shook the head. “We should go on.” And they also came to the hotel which Sgrumies resembled suspicious. “However, at this hotel not a single one person is, it is an optical deception like everything here, even if it looks real.” While getting closer there disappeared the building and made for a mountain room. Sgrumie walked cheerfully on it loose, there to the wide entrance. The other three almost had to run and they got in a brightness which they could not suppose after the entrance.
The mountain was anything but gigantic, they reached very fast for the next opening where now the other world had to lie. A childish scream let them the blood not falter in the veins, only Sgrumie. Ralph had put his foot to that new area as a first and now saw on the ground a nevertheless small figure, or he held it for one. A girl? Sgrumie shakes the head, pulled away Ralph when this wanted to bend down, to an instinct after to help immediately. “Forget please what you know from the right world, this is no girl, this being is the first soul, to see you has agreed. She works like a person because she could not understand once, why she had to die.” But Sgrumie should not have pulled away Ralph, his curiosity, combined with terror, was such a mixture which one does not admit with pleasure and he would have longed shortly after for not having looked at the girl exactly: her face...! He recognised in the face of the being the too real features from Marianne, how this was only possible?! “I cannot say this you.” Sgrumie could not count on it, because up to now it had taken this girl right, however, anticipated that Mariannes soul had found an insidious way to remind him of them.
He found a way to escape from the fright, turned the leaves internally through his recollections with a quickness which had preserved him up to now always to avoid breakdowns according to feeling. So he turned away, drove itself mechanically by the hair, hid also partially his face and stepped in the dusky. Madleine and also the others did not want to look around further and took this incident as an occasion to go first of all back to the real world. RF talked on Madleines request there to Ralph, while they and Sgrumie were quiet affected, then, however, decided to make clear to the men that Ralph should not go first of all again on this side...
And thus it also happened what Ralph did not like now of course. He did not know what the companions did, walked quite worriedly in the room of his child to and fro, while the child minder took care furthermore intensely of the son. Of course he liked that he knew his child with himself, the offer also supposed with thanks to worry, just after his abilities. And he acted absolutely more skilful than he had held it even for possible. “If I may say it so: they have to handle an almost innate talent with children, even if these are so small.” He also did not have to play his fatherly feelings which were there, from the moment in which he felt the enchanting being the first time: in the body of the mother, as well as when it was in the world and the little one had him without big shouting leave alone what amazed him.
The others performed to him after 8 hours society, not in the children's room, but on the beach.
“You have found right to exclude me from all what means, actually, work, or does be valid only for a certain time?” “We were also of the opinion, now to you your child might be more important than that what we must create in the other world first of all with Sgrumies help.” “Yes, it is more important to me, but as well as a mother can work, besides, I also wanted to do it.” Madleine looked at Sgrumie briefly, this nodded and Madleine undertook to say him:“ The soul of Marianne will appear apparently always somewhere near you and this makes all fear to us. And your terror when you have seen this child with the features of Marianne so unreal, as only something can be, you had to accept, your appearance would have killed the child before fright. But just this it will be what wants to provoke Mariannes soul over and over again: you should be never again happy without them and this functions by no means. She has used it icily that you feel, as well as too much can feel and you love children about everything, this mixture has moved the soul, just to itself with the soul of another being to combine, all the same as this was also always possible.” He saw to Sgrumie over, she also nodded. “I let Madleine speak because I am persuaded, only she would bring it so over here and: yes, so I also feel. Mariannes soul cannot resign itself to the real death, although it is there just only emotionally, still too much person is in her if this goes then.” “Unfortunately, it goes.” Madleine could not have said it better and Ralph felt very unpleasantly touched. Should he always have the feeling to know a part about Marianne somewhere with himself? “Then it would be better for this soul, she would stay only near our child.” When he said this, his voice trembled, it seemed to him to express again would touch idiotically a little bit loudly to a being what he could feel, but never again. Madleine closed for moments the eyes then ordered to them everybody to be quieter a little. 10 minutes possibly it lasted, then it smiled and turned again to the others: “I think, we are on the right way. Marianne understands or must understand that she cannot so be in way of your new other life with child and Sgrumie as she has done it, I believe to have heard them, she will see regularly after her child.”
Whether Madleine had said, however, here the truth, only wanted to calm and whether it had communicated generally with Mariannes soul who could say this exactly.
All rights belong to its author. It was published on e-Stories.org by demand of Meike Schrut.
Published on e-Stories.org on 07.01.2010.